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Childhood Conclusions that Lead to Negative Self-Talk
- Lisette Schuitemaker
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In today’s episode of “Healing From Within” your host Sheryl Glick author of The Living Spirit: Answers for Healing and Infinite Love is delighted to have Lisette Schuitemaker join us as a returning guest to discuss her newest book The Childhood Conclusions Fix. To hear her former show The Eldest Daughter Effect go to my website www.sherylglick.com and click on the radio shows link for February 2018.
As listeners of “Healing From Within” know Sheryl and her guests try to establish a clearer view of life both physically and energetically/spiritually and challenges we all have experienced as a result of childhood traumas, relationship or health issues, economical stresses that create emotions, both positive and negative so we may come to know ourselves, the environment we live in, personally and collectively. These observations may offer workable means to grow, prosper and thrive, no matter what leftover or misperceived impressions or conclusions we hold from childhood.
In today’s episode of “Healing From Within” Lisette Schuitemaker addresses an important topic… One that many avoid, deny or conceal, either because of fear shame self-doubt or thinking there is no way to change any of it. The topic we explore now is how did the impressions we internalized in childhood condition us to make harsh assumptions about ourselves, the world and our place in it. These childhood conclusions produce habitual thoughts that mark our behavior, health and quality of life to this day. We will today discover how it all happens and how to see ourselves with new eyes and finally turn negative self talk around.
Lisette remembers and describes three incredible women from her childhood that influenced her in a most positive way The first was her loving grandmother another was the mother of a friend who had a terminal illness but always had a smile and delighted in the time she spent with the children and the third was a teacher who always seemed to see Lisette just as she was and appreciated her in that way beyond any expectations. Sheryl always loves to ask her wonderfully creative authors to think back to childhood and remember a person place or event that may have led them to this present moment in their adult life and the values they hold dear for she believes we are the composite of our experiences and must revisit them to understand how we are dealing with life today.
Lisette shares how she discovered that negative self-talk hides our precious gifts and creates childhood conclusions that limit our level of health well being and happiness.
Lisette writes, “Our childhood conclusions mirror our greatest gifts. Where we feel the most insecure is where we hide our truest treasures. Even as tiny babies lies the innate gift to open hearts and connect to others through our mere presence. Since we are divine creations of consciousness we harbor gifts to feel…to experience deep concern and empathy to be inspired as well as inspire and most of all to share love.”
So many young children believe mistakes have been made by them and they are not welcome and don’t belong in this brutal harsh world. How we make them feel welcome and grounded to their physical life is the way to overcome Childhood Conclusion Number 1 I am not welcome.
We can begin to help ourselves by paying attention to what our mind says and begin to understand where and when these thoughts began and what situations in our childhood is triggering negative self thinking. By learning that our inner conversation is not one voice, but the voice of many situations that cause us to question ourselves and others, and repeat stories that may defeat our greatest dreams. The trouble is we tend to believe what we think. However the truth is thoughts are just thoughts. There is no need to believe everything we think. Especially not when our thoughts arise from the perspective of the small child we once were who felt she didn’t belong or was not good enough. As a child we felt we had no power over our life or that we needed to keep life under control and fit in at all times. Even if we have entertained such a thought a thousand times that doesn’t mean it’s true. There is no need to believe everything we think.
Lisette shares with us how she developed her system of The Five Childhood Conclusions which in effect are a way of knowing ourselves and others and how they react to the world according to beginning awareness observation and judgments made earlier in their lives. By recognizing no one is perfect and we are all dealing with childhood wounds and misperceptions which affect our reality and decision making skills, we can begin a self investigative search to know ourselves love ourselves and see life Anew.
There are 5 Character Defense Structures as defined by Wilhelm Reich, one of the first psychiatrists at the beginning of the 20th century. He discovered that as different as we may look in our outward appearance the kinds of thoughts we think about ourselves are not that different at all. Once we can identify the thoughts coming out of each of the five childhood conclusions Lisette has organized based on this past system used by Wilhelm Reich, we will understand how our most negative self-talk hides our most precious gifts. We will also come to understand the way our colleagues behave and as parents will become aware of the unavoidable conclusions of our offspring. There is no escape. They will draw childhood conclusions just as we did and our parents before us. Childhood conclusions are drawn from inevitable unfortunate interactions with our parents or other adults close to us.
- Childhood Conclusion I’m not welcome, I must go elsewhere.
Negative Self Talk : If only I were somewhere else in another place time maybe then I’d belong and feel welcome and safe. I find the world harsh hard and unpleasant. I don’t know if I really want to be here. I take refuge in the world of dreams in higher spheres where it’s quiet beautiful and harmonious. The contact with those domains keeps me alive…
Sheryl says that Lisette seems to be describing a very spiritual child who may be empathic or psychic and is aware that the adults are limited or not willing to discuss or acknowledge this higher view of life and goes on to tell an early childhood memory when at three years old in the Catskill Mountain in New York at a bungalow colony Sheryl threw herself on the grass and cried up to the heaven’s Why did you drop me in this place? Obviously Sheryl was feeling not welcome in this time and space because she didn’t yet have the skills to ground her energy and develop her spiritual talents.
Lisette writes, “People with this childhood conclusion are often highly original and gifted and have maintained our natural connection with the realms of spirit that we hail from and may have a hard time being down on earth. It is a false notion that we don’t belong. We are here so of course we belong. - Childhood Conclusion There isn’t enough I am not enough
Negative Self Talk I’m not good smart fit and savvy enough I never get back as much as I give, but I don’t want to ask people for anything. I will only be disappointed again. I have to be able to do everything for myself. If only I had more time money capacity—there is never enough.
As a result there is a fear of dependency. Children with this childhood conclusion crave more food, more time being held cuddled and touched, and grow into adults who often are performers actors anchors or curious scientists and journalists with the gift of gab. Realizing they have always been and will be enough is the only way out of this endless cycle of seeking attention and feeling unseen by others. - Childhood Conclusion “What do I know –have it your way.”
Negative Self-Talk I’ll just go along with the others, that’ll be the easiest. I don’t really know what I want so I’d rather let the others choose. That way I won’t make any enemies. It does make me feel powerless, though as if I’m a no body. I tend to play the innocent—I can’t help it, and it’s safer if you know what I mean. But then I end up feeling stupid and that sucks too. So I’m stuck I guess.
These children may have had feelings of confusion and impotence and liked to keep parents and others happy, but in our innocence do things that make them angry. Some of these children had things happen to them that they didn’t want but were powerless to prevent. Furious that boundaries were not respected. They swallowed frustration and anger. Beyond apparent lethargy lies a well of creativity. Feeling like a victim they have developed huge empathy and behind a happy face lay deep compassion for the plight of others. The false image of this childhood conclusion that we have no power over our lives makes us give up sometimes. We are free to live our destiny. - Childhood Conclusion “I must be in control”
Negative Self-Talk In the end no one is fully trustworthy. I love people and I have many friends but I also keep an eye on everybody so I know exactly where they’re at. Never again will I be betrayed by someone I trusted, as I make my point of always knowing what comes next. I like being ahead of the game as it gives me a sense of control.
In childhood games these children assume grandiose roles. We can easily imagine ourselves as princes and heroines saving the world. Learning that we are not the true partner of Mummy or Daddy makes us feel betrayed. Our hearts break for the first time. Cultivating our sensitivity to other people’s motives we become superb strategists, people who look ahead and like to keep things under control. No matter how commanding we are life takes unexpected turns and control remains elusive. We have big heart that easily fits our whole family, a wide circle of friends, and worthy causes to fight for. Our charisma makes people achieve more than they thought. We are well loved and if we could find it in ourselves to begin to trust life, we could do even more good than we are already doing - Childhood Conclusion “I must conform to fit in.”
Negative Self-Talk Why should I want to show the world I know the code? Others think I am competent but I am afraid to be found out as a fake. I have learned to get on well with people in all situations, yet I can’t help but keep a distance. Outwardly my life looks perfect. Inside I feel empty and cold. I just don’t feel as much as other people. Is this all there is to life. I’d better keep up the false façade so at least people think I’m capable.
For some of us the way our parents shaped their lives doesn’t resonate and as the odd one out, we conclude we must be a bit off. It may be we have wanted to show our parents how much we loved them but at an age of budding sexuality we did so in a way that created embarrassment. We may have sensed we overstepped a boundary without knowing it was even there. We take fright and decide to produce only desired ways of behaving. We fret over our appearance and scrutinize our behavior. We become keen observers of others and do as they do. We try to give up on being perfects as that is unattainable anyway. We may finally learn if lucky that we can be who we are quirks and all. Life is quirky anyway.
Sheryl feels that many politicians and people in Congress in these rapidly changing times exhibit many of the behaviors attributed to this Childhood Conclusion and may not have conquered their childhood perceptions. As a result may be functioning below the level needed to be strong and creative leaders though Lisette suggests people in this category often do end up as leaders. However, to lead it helps to think outside of the box constantly improve your skills through self-evaluation be less opinioned and flow with open minds in order to allow and accept all viewpoints without so much judgment. We all hope to see great improvement in the coming times in elected officials and their motivation for improving the human condition as leaders must.
We are able to remove these damaging childhood conclusions. “Turning a childhood conclusion” is Lisette’s term for transforming the unhelpful thoughts that stem from early childhood life experiences and interpretations by allowing the underlying emotions to flow and dissolve. (Feel and let go)
The three clues are helpful in identifying thoughts that stem from childhood conclusions
- The same thoughts keep coming back
- These thoughts stress us out.
- These thoughts often contain the words “always” or “never.”
We may ask ourselves what is it we all wish to create beyond our personal destiny but in the human picture of oneness or unity? We may wish to liberate creativity compassion playfulness and joy from under layers of resentful self-talk that signals that there is no other way than to do people’s bidding, keep anger down, our creative exploits and plans hidden and show the world our good humor.
Sheryl thinks that Lisette’s aim in writing this book perhaps is to help readers understand their noble hearts and their great potential beyond other people’s assumptions or who they believe you and themselves to be, and to find ways to authentically live and prosper in a life of self awareness. To see ourselves, others, and life in the most truthful accurate way and connect with others advances our well being and is what makes a good life. Growing up and getting to that point of being able to contribute to life in our very own way bears liking to the game of hide and seek. We are always joyful when we find someone we love hiding from us and then revealing themselves to us with truth. Through painful experiences or embarrassment for sharing our true beauty and enthusiasm we may have been criticized or laughed at, and this forced us to resolve to hide part of our inner riches as bringing them out in the open felt too risky. Still when you are able to be yourself without guile you truly have discovered how wonderful life you are.
Finally our innate urge to meet life’s purpose has us seek exactly what we’re trying to hide so we may bring out our gifts and fulfill the promise of our life
It seems we might fit the profile of one or more of the Childhood Conclusions but which ever conclusion colors our lives and choices, here are some common ways to work through any or all of them. This is like a formula for healing step:
- Recognize the thought patterns
- Shift the focus
- Thank ourselves
- Invite the anger from back then ( Once upon a time we have allowed things to happen to us because we did not dare to refuse or did not know how. Now we can get in touch with that old feeling of fear anger or frustration and it can come to an end. We reclaim our power.
- Be creative… Live our lives
In her book The Living Spirit Sheryl described the spiritual wisdom of most young children which should be respected and honored so perhaps The Five Childhood Conclusions will have less of a harsh impact on their development. Sheryl wrote, “Have you ever known a child that seems wise beyond his or her years? Knew things they couldn’t possibly know? We often call these children “old soul” when the truth is, all children are aware of Spirit, much more so than adults. We come into this three-dimensional world very aware of paradise –and the friends—we have left in order to have a human experience. As we grow up, most of us learn to ignore these gifts in the face of “reality.” However, in order to remember our true Divine nature and realize our spiritual gifts and indeed the gift of life, we must often disregard this physical reality and learn to see things as we did as children.”
Lisette Schuitemaker author of The Childhood Conclusions Fix has provided a study of how a child makes assumptions and conclusions even from events perhaps before their birth and then after, which color their world, often traumatizing their sense of well being and joy, and how though these thought may be justified or not, affect them until rethinking their fears and limitations in adulthood and learning to release them as they are no longer real in the present time.
In summarizing this episode of “Healing From Within” Lisette has clearly precisely and intuitively offered an in depth description of each of the Five Childhood Conclusions that influence us all well past our original childhood and the memories and fears are still at work often disrupting the decision making process as adults. If you study these conclusions I am sure you will find yourself described in one two or more of the conclusions offered and understand why you may at times hold back or move away from some of you greatest needs or talents and once understood, your thoughts can definitely be rewired and behaviors and attitudes improved for better living.
Lisette wrote, “ Turning the negative thoughts that arise from the childhood conclusions is like making a U-turn. On the highway when we have missed an exit we may drive quite a while in the wrong direction before we can turn back towards our destination. On a country road we will have to find the right spot where we can reverse and not present a hazard for other traffic that cannot see around the bend. I propose that the U-turns we make when we stop to thank and feel our childhood anxiety needs anger fears and shame be called YOU turns. YOU turns bring us out of the fix. They take us out of the contracted space of the dependent child where we are fully focused on what we need, back to a world full of others. Expanding into who we have become brings us back into relationship, into awareness of what other people may want and need, into exchanges free of hidden agendas. Ultimately life is what happens through us. We can be graceful instruments: welcome, enough, free, courageous and authentic…past the five childhood conclusions we each drew for ourselves. This is what I have learned.”
