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Love Shouldn’t Hurt
- Dr. Rita Louise
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Welcome to Healing From Within with your host Sheryl Glick Reiki Master Teacher medium and author of her newest book in the trilogy A New Life Awaits Spirit Guided Insights to Support Global Awakening which shares the spirit of divinity that lives within each of us that yearns to know itself as love and infinite possibilities, seeking to champion the challenges of modern day life. Whether in body or pure energy, the soul is the complete oneness of Spirit’s Intelligence in many lifetimes seeking higher consciousness. Knowing this is the blueprint for healing. I am delighted to welcome Dr. Rita Louise author of her new book The Dysfunctional Dance Of The Empath and Nacissist. It is an in-depth look at the dynamics between the loving compassionate and often selfless empaths and those willing to take from them, the self-serving narcissists, and endeavors to uncover the unconscious patterns that keep them trapped in cycles of abusive toxic relationships that often are the result of trauma and abuse from childhood.
Sheryl is delighted to welcome a kindred soul to Healing From Within for as an intuitive energy practitioner Rita and Sheryl share many stories of miracles higher consciousness and ways to work with energy thoughts emotions and words to create a better life.
As listeners of Healing From Within are well aware Sheryl and her guests share intimate stories and insights into the metaphysical world beyond physical life to fully understand who we are, where we come from, and the many realities of life as a spiritual being exploring a physical life to refine and restore soul’s energetic content to reach higher levels of consciousness.
In today’s episode of Healing From Within Dr. Rita Louise a survivor of childhood abuse has emerged as a gifted empath and talented clairvoyant medical intuitive. She is a naturopathic physician and the founder of the Institute of Applied Energetics that trains students in the art of medical intuition intuitive counseling and energy medicine. She has lectured on health and healing ghosts intuition ancient mysteries and the paranormal. Today we will discuss matters relating to all those topics.
When Dr. Louise is asked to think back to her childhood and remember a person place event or value that may have been important and shown her or others the lifestyle she would embrace or seek as an adult she immediately discusses her dysfunctional family. In her book she discuses four parenting styles which ultimately in one way or another created problems for their children.
Dr. Louise writes, “I am not even sure where to start my story. I have experienced so much pain and struggled with boatloads of shame throughout my life. I grew up in a large family. There were eight kids in total – five girls and three boys. I was number three, the rebel, and the "thorn in my mother's side." I grew up believing that there was something inherently wrong with me. At birth, I was born breach and had the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. My mother would, over the years, remind me that this incident could have left me "retarded." Dysfunction was rampant in our household. One sister would always make a joke of it, stating how our family “put the fun in dysfunctional." We lived in a shame-based home. Its secrets held tighter than all of the gold at Fort Knox. In it, my mom ruled with an iron hand. Infractions of her rules always lead to enormous consequences, ranging from physical, mental to emotional abuse. Her wrath was quick and severe if you did something wrong. My parents did provide us with food, clothing, and shelter, but that was about all we got. They were uninvolved in our lives. My mom and I had a challenging relationship right from the start. I spend the bulk of my life believing she hated me, that she detested me and that I was the bane of her existence.”
I am not sure how, when, or why this happened, but as a child, I was excruciatingly shy. If I were around strangers or felt the slightest bit ill at ease, I would not talk. I can say this now, but did not understand it at the time; I felt powerless. It took a lot of energy and inner courage to let a fire build in my gut and have words come out of my mouth. At least that is how it felt to me. I also felt worthless. I was highly sensitive to what was going on around me and would often take on or act out the emotions of everyone in the room. My sensitivity would spike if there were anger, stress, or anxiety present, which did not help my situation
Dr. Louise’s r previous books have been about health and healing, ghosts and ancient mysteries and myths and legends which say something about human origin that also sheds light on healing dysfunctional relationships?
She writes, “It is not my intention to write an in-depth thesis about metaphysical and New Age topics, but as we delve into further discussions about ourselves and our interactions with others, a base understanding of how we function on energetic levels is required. These insights will afford you another level of knowledge, another perspective of who you are and what is going on inside of you. It will also provide you a fresh look at your interactions with others. Surrounding our physical bodies is a field of subtle energy referred to in esoteric literature as the aura or auric field. It is our personal space. We recognize our personal space most acutely when someone infringes on it. When someone uninvitingly stands too close to us, we often experience a strange sense of physical discomfort. We may feel violated and wish they would take a step back. We can sense them and their energy even though physical contact has not occurred. The aura is composed of a series of subtle bodies, the etheric body, the emotional or astral body, the mental body, and the causal body. Each subtle body has unique properties and plays a distinct role in our interactions with the world.
Everything that we think or do affects our auric field. It is also affected by the energies of our environment. It is our first line of defense. Our aura stands firm when the vibration of joy and love fill our inner world. It can effectively protect us from the invading energies of others. If we are scared, worried, or filled with dread, the vibration of our aura weakens. It becomes more porous. External forces can more readily influence us. Low vibrations of the auric field can leave us vulnerable, which can ultimately affect our wellbeing.
We are each filled with life-giving energy called chi, which fills and animates us. Everything in the universe is dependent on the invigorating power this neutral energy provides, including ourselves. We experience it through its actions, even though it is unseen. It is generally agreed upon that, if deprived of this animating force, we would cease to exist. The structures of the subtle body support the movement of subtle energy, just like our arteries, veins, and capillaries support the flow of blood through the physical body. Without an understanding of these energetic laws of nature it is truly almost impossible to live a fulfilled and healthy life journey.
We are firmly planted in our bodies when we feel whole, confident, powerful, and secure. Our life force energy (chi) is flowing. In this state, we feel calm and relaxed, our anxiety is low or absent, and life's little difficulties have a hard time sticking to us. When we are triggered, a number of things happen. First and foremost, we, as spirit, are knocked out of our subtle energy bodies. The quantity or quality of subtle energy that moves through our energy channels becomes impaired. Our ability to ground the body becomes diminished. This dynamic causes us to hold on to activated negative thoughts and emotions. These discordant vibrations can become trapped within us and create several adverse reactions, including having difficulties being in the present moment. When we are not in the present moment, we miss out on life as it unfolds before us. We are not experiencing what is happening right here and right now. Granted, we all daydream and space out. Evidence suggests that daydreaming, creativity, and the imaginative mind often go together. It allows us to free-flow thoughts and ideas, which can lead to a eureka moment. When we are triggered, we are not daydreaming. Triggering often brings on a cascade of thoughts that can keep us in a negative thought pattern and out of the present moment. Our thoughts are either in the past or in the future. We may not realize we have mentally digressed while in this state and may believe that we are utilizing our mental energy in a helpful, productive way. We may find ourselves trying to deal with situations by going over them again and again in our minds. When this occurs, we are experiencing something called "intrusive thoughts."
It seems some people seem to find true love right off the bat, while there is a whole group of people who seem to attract the one rotten apple at the bottom of the barrel. Why do some people repeatedly find themselves getting into unhealthy relationships?
Dr. Louise basically thinks they still feel they are the problem or perhaps feel empowered to care for and help or change the other person. It is necessary to examine your relationships and yourself to figure out why you are attracting the same type of energy or person over and over again. Rita tells us to fast forward, many years, several marriages, and many long-term relationships later. It is December of 2018, the week before Christmas. Rita had just caught her then live-in boyfriend sneaking alcohol into the house and drinking again. Despite multiple threats, begging and pleading with him to get help, nothing had changed. Rita was at her wit's end, and he just placed the straw that broke this camel's back. It was not only his secretive drinking that concerned her. There seemed to be something fundamentally wrong with him. His behavior was erratic. A simple question or innocent comment would set him off into some weird delusional place, a place that he would often live in for days. Then the fun would begin. Rita would spent her days and nights walking around on eggshells. Whenever she would put her foot down and threaten to kick him out, he would seem to open up, acknowledge his shortcomings, and promise to do something about it. Promise, yes, do something about it, no. It became evident that he did not care about Rita’s wants and needs. Then on that fateful day, she busted him with yet another bottle of booze. She was done. It did not matter to me that he had wrecked his car months before and according to him, was not drivable. It was not my problem that he did not do anything to repair it. It was also not my problem that he had no major credit cards, so he could not get a rental. He had to go. Somehow, through some kind of divine intervention, his car worked well enough for him to make it out of my driveway and out of my life. I do not mean to drag out this part of the story, but it is critical in understanding what happened next.
This is where things got beyond odd from a synchronicity perspective. My cell phone chimed. It was a message from one of my ex-husband's current wife, a woman whom Rita had only spoken to once in the past. Why would she be reaching out to Rita? Her message stated something to the effect that she had been noticing some patterns in my ex's behavior and wanted to see if I had experienced the same kinds of issues with him. Ok, Rita was intrigued. He was a piece of work. Interestingly, his behavior on many levels was reflective of the relationship that was ending. Suffice it to say they shared an excessive number of characteristics that were challenging. We connected on the phone later that day. The first thing that came out of her mouth, after a few general pleasantries, was "he’s a narcissist.” My whole world changed in that instant. I had just been reading material about that very topic, noticing how very narcissistic my current, now ex-beau had been. Her disclosure turned what I thought had been about me and my imagination into something up close and personal. My mind started reeling. It caused me to stop and look long and hard at my life.
What I came to realize was the scary fact that the majority of my intimate relationships were abusive. Rita kept going back in time, evaluating each of her romantic interactions until she reached her family of origin. Wow! she came to discover that the abuse had not ended with the sid not matter. They taught her that people did not like her, let alone myself. They taught me that she was inherently flawed and internally broken. They taught Rita she did not have a choice. They taught her how to take on all of the responsibilities while having no power to change it. They taught her that love meant giving up on myself, an act inextricably tied to how much she was willing to tolerate. Yes, she had a Ph.D. In standing there and silently taking it. Rita made an excellent punching bag, figuratively speaking, and a willing victim for people who were interested in sucking her dry. Most sensitives or empaths are great at helping others but not so good at taking care of themselves.
We are definitely programmed as we grow up to accept certain behaviors from others even when they are damaging to our well being. Definitely Rita’s parents and siblings had her believing she was an angry and unhappy person causing all her problems when in actually Rita like so many children was being raised by emotionally distant parents who had never resolved their own issue so were unable to provide a happy healthy home for their eight children. Living on her own in California Rita had spent a lot of time reading metaphysical and self-help books as part of my healing plan. One day, during this period, she had a revelation that was even more remarkable. Rita ascertained that she was not a violent, angry person. She had not had one of yelling, screaming, and pounding on doors bouts since she had moved out of my parents' house. She had not hit anyone. She had not experienced the level of rage I had come to know earlier in my life even once. She was, in reality, a laid-back person for the most part. Imagine that!
Seems before we work on our relationships, we must work on ourselves and discover what triggers make us resort to our earlier childhood where we may have been traumatized. Rita finally left her dysfunctional family and moved to California. Several amazing things happened with my move. She quickly found somewhere to live. By week's end, she had obtained a job. Rita’s life started changing rapidly. She had hope for the first time in my life. She was confident that things would be all right.
Rita also became acutely aware of how dysfunctional she was and realized that she needed healing on multiple levels. I could see that my dreaded fear of communicating with others was also a handicap. I instinctively knew I had to tackle this deficit, so I devised a plan. Her first goal was to say hi to the person behind the counter at the convenience mart. She needed to do this before they had the opportunity to greet her. While this might sound like an effortless task to anyone reading these words, it was excruciating for Rita. She would have to stop before I walked in the store, take a deep breath, suck it up, and proceed inside. It took everything she had to do it. Day by day, this practice got easier. Her first year in California concluded with her receiving her drafting certification and obtaining a good-paying jobs, take the good with the bad.
Dr. Louise tells us how we might know we are unhappy and in a toxic relationship by the following quote from Don Ruiz, in his book The Four Agreements and tells us: In your whole life nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself. And the limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else. If someone abuses you a little more than you abuse yourself, you will probably walk away from that person. But if someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, you will probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly. If you abuse yourself very badly, you can even tolerate someone who beats you up, humiliates you, and treats you like dirt. Why? Because in your belief system you say, "I deserve it. This person is doing me a favor by being with me. I'm not worthy of love and respect. I'm not good enough
We go on to discuss childhood abuse and how it has set you up to view the world as a troublesome place.
The definition of abuse is a pattern of behavior used by one person that causes harm to another. The harsh tactics utilized are often employed to gain and maintain power over another, and in this instance, a child. A onetime situation, such as paddling a child's bottom for a flagrant transgression, does not qualify as abuse. Abuse is an act that is repeated and has appeared multiple times in an individual's life, if not daily. The line is clear for some people as to what is and what is not considered abuse. It is never appropriate, for example, to have sexual contact with a child. There are many instances where the line is less obvious. Separating what proper discipline or child-rearing strategies are from what is abusive can be tricky, especially when viewed through a child's eyes. Physical trauma is what most people think of when they hear the word abuse. This is not the case.
Abuse comes in a variety of forms, including sexual, verbal, or emotional abuse. Witnessing cruelty in cases of domestic violence is also identified as a form of child abuse. Neglect, the lack of love, care, and attention for a child, can damage a child just as much as any other form of maltreatment. Sadly, children who grow up in toxic households become accustomed to varying levels of abuse. The treatment they experience is seen as commonplace and do not recognize the injury they have just encountered.
The Many Shades Of Abuse If you are unsure if you are the victim of abuse, here is a simple checklist you can use to assess your life. As you evaluate the items on the list, do not consider a once-off situation but instead look for repeated patterns of negative parental behavior. If you find yourself answering yes to several items on this list, then perhaps you are a survivor of abuse.
Tell-tale Signs Of Abuse
Has one or both parents regularly or routinely:
Hit or harmed you in any way?
Threatened to hurt or kill you?
Forced you to have sex with him or her or another individual? (Sexual contact with a minor is abuse even if this only happens once.)
Threatened to destroy your personal property and possessions?
Disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs?
Made you feel bad about yourself or put you down?
Belittled and trivialized you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams?
Made fun of you, and caused you
to feel shame or embarrassment?
Pointed out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings?
Made you endure physical closeness that you did not want?
Crossed your boundaries?
Called you names, criticized you harshly, or made cutting remarks under their breath?
Acted emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time?
Disregard your feelings? Yelled or screamed at you or flew into a rage? Made you feel guilty for being your authentic self or not appreciate you for who you were?
Stifled your decisions, even when you were old enough to decide on your own?
Made you feel guilty for doing what you wanted and not what they wanted?
Any of these things alone, or in combination, can leave a negative impression on a child's psyche. We can wear our trauma on our shirtsleeves, where everyone can see our dysfunction, or we can bury it into the deep dark recesses of our minds. That is, until something happens and triggers us, and our bodies automatically respond.
If the relationship is unhealthy why do people stay? They stay because it is all they know and they blame themselves rather than the other person. It is only when they begin to see the pattern and discover how they physical feel and why that change is possible. It is from this place that I started digging into the dynamics of empaths and narcissists. Dr. Louise began to see the patterns of abuse she had learned to tolerate over the years. She was finally able to put words to her experiences. It validated so much. It took what had happened to her from some vague "thing" looming in the background and made it real, painful, but real. She had been oblivious to what was going on right in front of her face. As intuitive and as self-reflecting as she is she did not see it. For her, sheI did not understand two basic concepts. One; that it is her job to make herself happy. No body else does it for her. When you are anxious, stressed, and walking around on eggshells, you are getting a clear indicator that you are not content. The second concept was the notion of choice. She could choose! You do not know how happy she was to hear those words. She had a choice, and through this choice, she could control my emotional destiny. Thus began the journey to healing.
Dr. Louise clearly tells us why we resist necessary change and writes, “We often resist change because of fear of further failure or loss. Our childhood experiences are fundamental to our emotional development. These experiences set the tone of our lives and form the foundation of how we act and react in every situation we encounter. Our emotions start to develop in the womb and continue until we reach the age of 7. During our formative years, our parents play a pivotal role in how we experience the world. Through them, we learn to determine what is safe from what is not. Parenting, in general, is a complex juggling act. It is a parent's job to teach and guide their children into the ways of the world and the rules prescribed by society. Humans, said plainly, are a domesticated species. Our parents teach us the skills required to survive in polite society. It is our parent's job to teach us good from bad, and right from wrong. They show us these things through a variety of rewards and punishments. When we learn to say “Ma Ma” or “Da Da”, we are praised and encouraged. Discipline, on the other hand, is employed if we do something that breaks one of our parent's rules. We are a bad boy or a bad girl. This training leads to socialization and successful functioning in today’s society. This kind of enculturation happens in every civilization on the planet and IS what makes us intrinsically human. Children, by nature, can be loud and unruly. These behaviors can cause parents to feel irritated, annoyed, or frustrated. If a parent engages in the challenges of parenthood from an unhealthy place, from a place of power and control over their children, anger or fear, abuse can follow.”
We might resist change because of the style of parenting we experienced while growing up.
The strategy our parents used to raise us and help us assimilate into society vary greatly. A parenting style is a series of categories used by psychologists to identify the way adults traditionally rear their children. Each type describes a set of practices a parent may employ. The four primary parenting styles include: authoritarian, permissive, uninvolved, and authoritative.
Authoritarian Parents Characteristics of the authoritarian parenting style encompass a life filled with rules with little parental responsiveness. Parental responsiveness referrers to the degree in which a parent reacts to the child's needs in an accepting and supportive manner. Authoritarian parents seldom show warmth toward their children and are often cold and harsh. They lack patience and value discipline over fun.
Permissive Parents Permissive parents, sometimes called indulgent parents, are the least demanding but are very responsive to the child’s needs. They are warm and loving to their children and want them to be happy. Permissive parents have a hard time saying “No.” They avoid exerting their power and authority. They tend to utilize gift-giving and enticement, versus boundaries and expectations, as their primary parenting tools. They make little or no attempt to control or discipline their offspring. These parents are lenient, avoid confrontation, and rarely make or enforce rules and guidelines. This parenting style provides little structure for their children. Children of permissive parents often have issues taking responsibility or lack a strong internal compass. They may also find themselves lacking self-confidence or are more vulnerable to peer influences.
Uninvolved parents Uninvolved parents are not demanding and lack responsiveness to their child's needs. Uninvolved parents might meet that child's basic needs for food and shelter, but often believe this is where their duties end. They practice a hands-off parenting style where they, on some levels, expect their children to raise themselves. They are often self-centered, indifferent, dismissive, or downright neglectful. They do not devote much of time or energy into their child's emotional needs, especially in the way of guidance or affection. Many times, the neglect experienced by these children is not intentional. Uninvolved parents are often busy with work commitments, activities, or other life issues. They can be so wrapped up in their personal affairs that they fail to recognize or notice the needs and concerns of their offspring. Sometimes they are overwhelmed by the tasks required to survive day to day. Mental health or substance abuse issues may also factor in these parent's inability to care for their children. Children raised by indifferent parents have some of the worst psychological adjustment second only to hostile or abusive parenting.
Authoritative Parents Authoritative parents have high standards and expectations of their children, which is tempered by their being responsive to their child's needs. These parents, while setting limits, provide their children a warm, loving, and nurturing environment. They listen to their children and offer them the support they need. Authoritative parents, like authoritarian parents, expect their children to obey their rules and behave appropriately. How the authoritative parent addresses discipline, however, is vastly different. Authoritative parents typically set clear and achievable limits. They use reason, negotiation, and discussion to teach their children what they require of them and back up their rules by enforcing consistent boundaries. They are firm when disciplining but are not mean or emotionally reactive when a child disobeys. Authoritative parents do not try to control their children and expect them to obey blindly like an authoritarian parent. This parenting style allows their children to act independently, supporting self-esteem and confidence while providing them with a safety net for the times they may fall and falter. This parenting style is the most effective method of child-rearing and tends to produce well-adjusted, confident, and successful kids.
Many parents are unprepared for their role as a caregiver. They might not have the skills needed to do the job correctly. They may suffer some form of substance abuse or have a mental health issue that interferes with their ability to interact with their children appropriately. They might lack family or community support or feel overwhelmed with the tasks required of them.
Understanding how you developed in childhood and your partner may offer signs to how your relationship will develop either lovingly or filled with fear and doubt.
There are four primary attachment styles: secure, dismissive-avoidant, anxious-preoccupied, and fearful avoidant. Each has different developmental causes and express themselves in a unique set of internal beliefs and triggering behaviors. Dr. Phillip Shaver and Dr. Cindy Hazan, in their research suggest that we exhibit the same attachment patterns with our romantic partner as we developed as an infant. By understanding your style of attachment, you may gain insights into how you developed emotionally and how you may still be acting and reacting in adulthood.
Perhaps in these strange changing times we may look at the insensitivity of many around us and see that a liberal approach has led to many people who feel entitled and this leads to dysfunction in relationships and society. Understanding these people and their behavior may help us to choose to limit our time with them which often causes us discomfort and dysfunction.
“Entitlement Individuals” who have entitlement as a negative core belief see themselves as unique or superior and entitled to exclusive rights and privileges. Because they are exceptional, it only makes sense that they would also deserve a great deal of attention or praise from those around them. From this grandiose position, they may make demands or engage in behaviors without regard to how it may affect others. People who operate based on this core belief are the narcissists of the world. They believe that they can do what they want, which can include rule-breaking. They are also not required, especially in their own minds, to reciprocate in social interactions, which can lead to resentment in others.
People who develop this core belief use it to compensate for feelings of defectiveness or undesirability. Unresolved core beliefs can significantly impact our relationships. When our needs as children are not met, we can develop a subconscious fear that our needs will never be satisfied. This early life trauma can cause us to base our relationship on need instead of love. A relationship built on need is a relationship based on fear. This often, overlooked concept is why so many people end up settling for people they do not love or at times, even like. Their need to be in a relationship outweighs their need for happiness. Whether they fear abandonment, rejection, or have other significant inner wounding, the bottom line is that they do not want to experience life on their own and will utilize whatever means possible to avoid it. Confusion may arise for the partner or spouse of these individuals because they may have a hard time discerning if they are actually loved or if they are only needed to satisfy the other's desperate attempts at feeling safe.
We thank Dr. Rita Louise author of The Dysfunctional Dance of the Empath and Narcissist and for sharing an interesting journey of connections to life here and beyond helping us know that we carry within us the remembrances of many times place and relationships and this life is a new effort to refine our soul energy and improve our relationships with any and all we become involved in. Nothing is ever lost but simply perceived with new wisdom.
In summarizing today’s episode of Healing From Within we have explored the origins of our emotions and outlooks on life from our earliest childhood days and the parenting style we grew up under and how it affected future relationships. We have perhaps learned that now as mature citizens of an ever evolving and changing world we can allow accept and surrender to events without so much judgment fear negativity or even hostility and find the silver lining in our lives moving past the limitations and restrictions to become aware of your own personal needs and desires and find your way beyond the societal process of your earlier challenges.
Dr. Louise has done a great job in describing all the influences that make up our emotional and physical realities and ways to master a more healthy adult life.
She writes, ”Your emotional scars are more than likely affecting you today. Having a better understanding of what happened to you in your formative years offers you the opportunity to take a step back and make changes. You might not have had a choice when you were a child, but now you do. When we choose to look at ourselves, our history, our life patterns and decide to make changes to the core of our being, we can begin the process of breaking free of chronic cycles of dysfunction.”
Rita and I would have you remember that nothing in our life is random. There is a reason you are born into a certain family and experience the patterns we have talked about today and no matter how daunting experiences may seem, with the unfolding of your inner soul wisdom you can find ways to improve anything and everything. Resilience trust and love are the keys to your success and to living with resolve.
I am Sheryl Glick author of A New Life Awaits which shares the spirit of divinity that lives within and yearns to know itself as love and infinite possibilities beyond the challenges of a normal physical life. Visit my website www.sherylglick.com to read about and listen to leaders in the fields of science spirituality psychology medicine and metaphysical views who explore our dual nature as both energetic and physical life forms. Shows may also be heard on www.webtalkradio.net and www.dreamvisions7radio.com
