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You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse
- Melanie Tonia Evans
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Welcome to Healing From Within with host Sheryl Glick a Reiki Master Teacher and medium and author of The Living Spirit which shares stories of awakening coincidences synchronicity spiritual communication healing energies miracles and ways to know and use your intuition to create a healthy positive productive life journey and is delighted to welcome Melanie Tonia Evans, author of You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse who is a survivor herself and founder of “Quanta Freedom Healing” which has helped many worldwide to thrive in abuse-free lives.
As listeners of “Healing From Within” have come to expect over the years, Sheryl and her guests share intimate experiences and insights into a growing awareness that comes from being open- minded and following intuitive soul based energy as we navigate the physical world and eventually come to realize that we are more than our physical bodies. Indeed we have many tools available to help us manifest a better quality of life. Releasing fears limitations and situations or relationships that hold us back from realizing our full potential to thrive and grow, is how we come closer to the truth of our actual life force or energy being.
Understanding that Narcissistic Personality Disorder is different from everyday or ordinary narcissism which everyone has a bit of is necessary to know serious this disorder is. All sorts of other labels are sometimes applied to those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) such as psychopath or sociopath. Similarly, “narcissist” has become such a buzz word that many people throw it around and attribute it to those who are perhaps only un-thoughtful and even selfish, yet who are certainly not narcissists. The truth is that we can all be a little narcissistic at times, especially when we feel insecure hurt or emotionally triggered. However, there is a huge difference between occasional narcissism and malignant narcissism which is when a person not only acts thoughtlessly and in harmful ways, but their very essence is that of a malicious pathological liar.
Malignant narcissists don’t’ possess empathy and use other people as tools to get what they want often at the expense of those same individuals.. They don’t experience remorse and regret as people with conscience would. They can act as though they possess these empathic human qualities if it suits their agenda, but in truth, they don’t have empathic qualities.
A person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is pathologically self-absorbed, over-entitled and caught up in feelings that most of us have never experienced, triggered by things that normal adults just don’t get upset about. Relationships with these people are devastating and confusing: they strip their victims of their self-worth, personal rights and resources.
Melanie goes on to tell us, “Many people think that narcissism is the result of our over-entitled selfie- taking culture, yet, it may be the product of people not being able to form solid and whole inner identity based on healthy self-love and self-acceptance. This might be due to the trauma of emotional neglect or abuse experienced while they were growing up, or the fact that they have only known conditional love. Conditional love is based on the notion that you are only worth loving if your behavior meets the expectation of others. Many suffering from the disease of narcissism appear to be confident, but, under the brash façade is a seething pit of pain.
A narcissist survives by having a “Narcissistic supply” of attention, significance acclaim, notoriety, money, possessions, sex, and the ego boost of knowing that other people are hooked on the narcissist, affected by them, and obsessing over them. Narcissistic supply motivates the narcissist false self to block out the demons. But it doesn’t last. Once the thrill or conquest is over, the narcissist needs to tap into fresh sources of narcissistic supply. It‘s like a drug, a distraction from the self-annihilating inner critic which is always in fear of their false self being discovered or dismantled.
“Although the narcissists struggle is inescapable the people around them may find ways to survive and then thrive as they explore themselves.”
Sheryl suggests to Melanie that maybe the only gift of having an experience and relationship with a person with this disorder is it may allow them the way forward to begin a self investigative search to find their spiritual assets and connect to a higher Source for healing and freedom from this entrapment.
Melanie tells of how she became involved with a person suffering from this disorder and writes, “This is how it all started: at thirty five years of age I met a man who I thought was perfect for me. He was caring attentive and attractive. Everything seemed? Perfect except the hairs on the back of my neck would stand up caused by a comment or look from him that didn’t feel right. He monopolized all my time and it felt a little controlling. I took it as an expression of love. Then I discovered that his cancer condition a melanoma for which he told me he’d had chemotherapy for in the past had become full blown again. What I soon discovered was his jealous behavior had become full blown as well. He made unreasonable demands for me to not look at or speak with other men and he questioned me on my every move. Months later I discovered the entire cancer episode was a hoax created to gleaned for sympathy and attention. Much of his past was a forgery: no financial success. I began to realize that his default position about anything was a lie. By the time I realized something was terribly wrong and was smeared and isolated by him. I felt powerless to leave. Our assets were combined and he was racking up debt and there were numerous impending court cases because of his deceitful business misconduct.
Melanie goes on to tell us how there were times over the next four years when my terror of staying became greater than my fear of leaving—and I would try to escape. But then he would stalk me and terrorize me. Finally I moved out but was still obsessing over him. He was living in the house I paid for and still telling me he would do anything for me. I got him to go to a therapist where he was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder but soon stopped going.
The therapist told Melanie there were four options if I stayed with him: Either he will kill you, you’ll kill yourself, or you’ll have a psychotic breakdown or contract a horrible possibly even terminal disease as a result of the stress. This is how serious and dangerous it is to be involved with people suffering from this condition.
Physically run down Melanie ended up in the hospital where she realized that this didn’t happen to her only because of him or his narcissism. He had a role in the stage play of her life so she could realize how to heal the traumas she had experienced even before meeting him. Melanie was fortunate to have a spiritual transformation and knew there was help coming to her from above and a path forward to health and prosperity. Her progress was amazing and lead her to study and she was soon a fully fledged practitioner of mind body healing modalities. So living through a nightmare took Melanie eventually to transform and find what truly sustained her and brought her happiness.
The five major signs of Narcissism are very important for us to know so we may begin to see how a person with this problem consistently operates and how overtures by concerned friends relatives or loved ones cannot create a better communication and change in behavior for these people. It seems like the wheel spins on and on
1. Emotional Insecurity..Despite the belief that narcissists are full of themselves the truth is narcissists are hugely insecure and react on a hair trigger to things that average adults simply don’t get upset about. Their oversensitivity is extreme.. The insecurity may be so extreme that it provokes incredible jealously and envy.
When narcissists erupt into a rage their anger is a reaction to a perceived threat to the narcissist’s fragile self-esteem or self-worth. Perhaps you spoke appreciatively about a colleague and all of a sudden the narcissist is ripping your head off for being disloyal or even accusing you of having an affair. If the narcissist doesn’t receive enough attention in a group setting, he or she may stir up trouble or exit the scene, only to chastise you later degrade you and anyone else who has stolen the limelight.
It doesn’t matter who the narcissist is in your life a partner spouse family member you will painfully experience their insecurities in the form of accusations directed at you. Taking it out on you is just something narcissists do.
2 An Extreme Sense of Entitlement It truly is all about them and very poor peripheral vision when it comes to anyone else’s needs. A narcissist’s self-absorption is an integral part of their inner wiring means they have preferential treatment over and above all others. They will push people’s boundaries without hesitation and go for whatever they can get away with, while their real agenda remains cloaked in charm flatter and feigned care. No matter how good it looks to others, any deal brokered by a narcissist is underpinned by a desire to obtain the best of the spoils regardless of who else might suffer in the process. Without conscience, or as much as a backward glance, a narcissist will throw you under a bus when the time comes for them to collect: including their spouse, family, and even their children. In everyday events, they will spin everything back to themselves…I will watch whatever I want on TV, turn the volume up regardless if you are trying to have a conversation on the phone to major life decisions such as property settlements and the splitting of assets..
3 Circular Arguments that Don’t Make Sense
One of the surest ways to identify an NPD sufferer is the way they argue. They use diversionary tactics when in conflict situations. Their defense mechanisms range from being subtly manipulative to displays of downright nasty out of bounds behavior…Some common expressions they may use are, You didn’t let me finish what I was saying or you’re not listening, or you are the only person I have a problem with, or I didn’t say what you wanted to hear. Long before you have identified what’s going on in the conversation you will feel anxious and traumatized and wonder if you are losing your mind. You are fighting with someone who refuses to get it. It’s like disagreeing with an angry five year old who won’t remain on topic and be held accountable or learn from previous behavior.
The arsenal that narcissists draw on in arguments: Excuses for their behavior -minimizing an incident altogether –accusing someone else of wrongdoing- offering a false apology and expecting you to accept it- flatly denying whatever you say—confusing you with antics and trivia to take you off the subject—projecting the blame on you—using allies real or fabricated to back up their arguments—stonewalling you and leaving the scene—using tit for tat behaviors, relating to something you did in the past—stating how disloyal your accusations are—discrediting your observations, owing to your unstable past. All part of creating a narcissistic three ring circus.
4 Pathological Lying
In his or hers grandiose self delusion a narcissist is covering up their fragile inner identity—and thereby creating or acting out a different script of who he or she would like to be.
The lies begin very early on in relationships with narcissists because lying is an ingrained part of their identity. They will lie and brag about accomplishments in the past and about how poorly they have been treated by those with whom they have had fractured adult relationships, which is a small part and distortion of what the narcissist has done to others.
More over narcissists believe their own lies which is why they can be convincing deceivers while attracting those who believe them. Grown adults with integrity cant understand why someone would say terrible things about anyone else unless it was true.
Many narcissists lead double lives. They are attracted to breaking rules and subverting authority. Likewise the sanctity and exclusivity of marriage threatens to reduce them to normalcy which feels like emotional annihilation to a narcissist. Therefore they are often associated with criminal and extra-marital activities that are concealed and lied about so they can retain the things in their life that provide them with enough stability to remain functioning.
And narcissists do get struck down: they get caught out, people leave them, they go bankrupt and they are prosecuted. Due to the falseness lies and deception associated with narcissistic behavior—forever seeking more acclaim, notoriety, and the envy of others, no matter how successful a narcissists life looks, under the surface you will find a countless number of disasters waiting to strike.
5 Blaming You For Their Problems
One of the most insane and devastating parts of narcissistic abuse is the projection tactics they use. Narcissists quite simply accuse you of all the things they do themselves.
With narcissists you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Nothing will ever be good enough. You are out to hurt them in their minds and that is why your relationship is experiencing problems. Rest assured a narcissist will have no qualms about throwing you metaphorically to the wolves if they think the need arises. They will talk about you in disparaging ways to others—labeling you as the abuser and smearing you to the key people in your life. Narcissists are used to operating within the thresholds of drama and pain. Devastatingly, the important people in your life will often start to believe the narcissist.
Melanie believes there are certain people more likely to be involved with a NPD person. There are other people who are simply not susceptible to narcissists. Melanie feels her susceptibilities included her struggle to say “No” to people because of her fear of them criticizing, rejecting, abandoning. or punishing her. She had very little idea of her own needs or rights, and was always trying to play it safe, not rock the boat, and to be nice to people, so they would look after her. Melanie also believed other people had much more authority and made better decisions than her. And Melanie at that time was not connected to her intuition and didn’t quite trust that gut feeling, so she made excuses and just thought everything would be okay. So she was the perfect fit for narcissists: hardworking, trying to seek approval, capable of providing a good lifestyle, lacking any sense of personal rights, self-love or self-worth and willing to go along with anything that anyone wanted from me, so that they might love me. Melanie was also terrified to be without a man; Most people who find themselves connected with a narcissist are not weak, usually are very intelligent, with high integrity. They are generally people who can make our life work. It is their resilience rather than weaknesses which keep people involved with narcissists.. They believe they can fix this and certainly don’t want to give up on this significant investment of love time energy and money put into the relationship. They haven’t learned yet that no one can change another person only themselves.
Often those abused by narcissists are the type of individuals who are trusted by others and who are capable and reliable and after a relationship with such a person might realize something is not right with us for allowing this to happen. It is then that in self-investigation and self-mastery of our emotions we heal the inner anxiety and depression we suffered as a consequence of not receiving the love and support we needed in childhood and never believing we were good enough just as we were.
Knowing the Nine Traits that make us susceptible to Narcissistic Abuse might help a person work on strengthening the ways they view themselves and others, and prevent us from becoming involved in a similar situation to one experienced previously. The Nine Traits are as follows:
1 You have already suffered abuse, you fear abuse or you have a strong aversion to abusers. Unfortunately those who have suffered abuse often unconsciously seek out what is familiar to them There is a pattern a trajectory of love that becomes part of our inner programming.
2 You find it difficult to speak up, stand up for yourself or create healthy boundaries. if you suffer from an inability to assert yourself for fear or criticism rejection abandonment or punishment you will hand your personal power away
3 Your integrity level is high and you are dismayed if anyone questions it. When we believe our worth is dictated by what other people think of us, rather than what we think of ourselves, we are in for a hard time.
4 You work hard to sustain a sense of security and you clean up the mess made by other people that could threaten your security. Narcissists attach to people who have resources and with whom they can enmesh their lives. You will be drained of your energy sanity and resources as you sort out their mess.
5 You feel deep down that you can only be loved for your efforts and accomplishments. If you keep trying to prove your worth by taking on the burdens of others, being generous to a fault giving till it hurts and don’t feel worthy of love---narcissists will be magnetized to you.
6 You unconsciously feel others will only love you and care for you when you tend to their needs first. If you grew up in a household where you tried to placate or keep others sane so they could have enough resources to love and care for you, you are likely to be attracted to unsafe people Rather than identifying your own needs you will have a high tolerance for unacceptable behavior.
7 You are very hard on yourself and are never happy with what you have achieved You continually feel anxious about what you haven’t accomplished yet. It is a totally false premise that people will treat us how we treat them. The truth is that people treat us in ways that reflect how we treat and truly feel about ourselves. Most of us won’t stay in a relationship with people who deem you as never good enough. and most won’t stay in a relationship in which the level of love is below the level we hold for ourselves. Narcissists generate and stay in painful dramatic relationships because chaos is the state of their inner being.
8 You have a tendency to want to fix and sort out other people’s problems rather than examine and sort out your own uncomfortable emotions. If we haven’t learned to self-partner, self-soothe and heal our own emotional triggers we will tend to look to the outside world for relief from uncomfortable feelings. Yet if we try to control others in a bid to assuage our own out of control emotions, we become more vulnerable to being controlled. By focusing our attention outside ourselves we effectively drain ourselves of power and hand it over to others. And enable a narcissist to receive Grade A narcissistic supply from us and power up against us.
9 You see yourself as an empath and put other people’s needs before your own in the belief that this is virtuous. If we are an empath( ex. We feel the energy of others intensely and we try to assist others as a way to feel better about ourselves, we may think that is the best way to help ourselves and others.. However, if we are not capable of defining our own needs and asking for these to be met on healthily we will not receive the care we need.
Melanie discovered a way to heal with The Thriver Model and also found that we go through an experience of involvement with a narcissist for several reasons.
When we suffer this type of abuse with a person who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder as an adult, we find we may have not become a solid source of love approval survival and security for ourselves and we still hold other people responsible for meeting our needs. We might feel empty inside and try to fill that emptiness from outside sources, and will gravitate towards and connect with other empty components such as false sources, who are trying to achieve a sense of inner wholeness themselves. (Ex narcissists.) Yet when we start learning how to generate inner wholeness, working with our Higher Self and our emotional inner guidance to connect to the healthy components of life such as genuine people and situations who add to our well being—this is when our life starts to take off in incredible, fulfilling and inspirational ways.
This is a Thriver mantra that is important to remember for the healing process to work for you. “Whatever happened was for a reason,” and if you can find out what it was and heal that reason, then not only will this situation never happen to you again, but you will evolve and heal, and your life will improve and expand beyond how you were living previously. All the dreadful trauma symptoms that you are suffering will leave you. You will feel more empowered, safe, solid, and confident than ever before.
Thrivers have courage because they are revolutionists. As Thrivers we don’t accept the standard beliefs and prognoses that often come with being a victim of abuse. We don’t wish to remain victims whose very existence is undermined by anxiety and terrible nervous –symptom disorders. As Thrivers we acknowledge a Quantum Law, The Law of Energy, the consciousness that underpins all of creation which is the very foundation of the Thriver Way to Heal: and that is so within, so without.
Put simply if we experience something on the outside that hurts, there must be a corresponding unresolved trauma inside us otherwise emotionally and energetically we would never have unconsciously attracted and accepted this outer event into our life.
As Thrivers we discover: once we give up on our intense focus on the narcissist and stop trying to control life on the outside in an attempt to find peace and security on the inside: and, if instead, we turn inward and focus on self-partnering, loving and healing ourselves back to wholeness, we feel better and feel “right” in our bodies.
Melanie wrote, “Maybe, like a narcissist, you were parented in abusive ways, yet rather than bury your true self and adopt a pathological false self to survive, you took on the role of the fixer and giver—trying to keep your unhealthy family sane so that they would have enough resources to love and care for you. Perhaps, because your survival depended on being hyper-vigilant around people and supplying what they needed you never developed an awareness of your own needs, boundaries and rights—or how to take care of these. All of these experiences are commonplace. Many people experience unconscious parenting as a consequence of our formal education being about cognitive intelligence rather than emotional intelligence. We were taught in our formative years and beyond them—how to read write calculate and think yet not how to feel, self-partner meaning to be with our inner emotions with love and without judgment and establish an inner relationship with ourselves. This was left for our parents to model for us, yet often they had never learned it themselves. In this way unconscious parenting can be passed on from generation to generation and we carry the scars with us into our adult lives.”
In summarizing today’s episode of “Healing From Within” we have discussed the trauma that can result as a result of being involved with a person suffering from “Narcissist Personality Disorder” which like a psychopath or sociopath has little hope to improve their own tragic view of life and the demons that cause the drama and chaos that lives within and unfortunately, there are more people who suffer with this and related illnesses like Border Line Personality. We have discussed the reasons, symptoms and the damage done to those who have been unable to break free of such relationships. But there is also hope in first recognizing the problem and then using self-investigative ways to know the patterns of your own childhood life that may have encouraged you to accept and surrender to dealing with people who undermine your health happiness and your path to thriving.
As Melanie and Sheryl have shown the strength of “True Healing” lies “Within” when you know and accept how connected you are to the Universal Source of Energy and Love …You are never alone. Once you begin to know your inner guidance soul essence, life changes immeasurably for the better. We might even say that the experience with that narcissistic person was the key or opportunity for you to truly evolve and expand your consciously and grown into the person you were actually meant to be.
Melanie and I would have you know in one way or another we are all the prisoners of our childhood training patterning and traumas and as an adult there are so many ways to mature and move past the illusion of the outside world to make us happy and to know the peace and love within. Look for help, ask for help, and be assured the right person therapy or situation will appear to move you forward.
